I had been thinking that up until relatively recently, I was loosing interest in reading entirely. Every book I picked up just fell flat or seemed mediocre. This was the same with tv shows, movies, and anime I tried watching. Perhaps I just needed to meditate and embrace dispassion towards life. However, I think the real issue was just that I was not reading a good enough book. Picking up a bunch of duds in a row can certainly put me in a reading slump. So to remedy this, I am on a mission to make a list of all of the masterpieces of fiction and read my way through them. I recently picked up "The Kite Runner", and I read my way through that in just three days! Now I am reading "The Book Thief", and while slightly less engaging it is still a feast for the soul. I am hoping to get some mental, emotional, and spiritual enrichment from all the books I am reading, and I hope to find some really good ones! If something is really hard to get through though, I wont force myself to read it.
Books can certainly be companions for rough times in life, and can allow one to travel outside of a stuck situation. This seems to be the next best thing I can do besides traveling the world, which I am unable to do at this point in my life.

A bit of a disclaimer: I do believe that both Islam and Christianity can be true paths to God, so I am not saying that I think those faiths are fundamentally untrue, but there is certain dogma/interpretations in each that I do not agree with at all. I do not mean to be intolerant.

It has been a while since my last entry. I am still working on staying sober and I am not giving up on it.
I decided to splurge a bit and buy a couple of not-cheap books on poetry by the Sufi, Rumi. I had been studying the Sufi faith a bit recently, and saw some stuff from Rumi and a few other Sufi writers, that looked like stuff that I would really like.
I got volume one of the Masnavi, and I really tried to just read it without bias and see any wisdom there. However I finally had to admit after reading a couple lines of "eternal punishment of the non-believers" in one of his poems, that perhaps Rumi is not for me. There was also a lot of language of sin to inspire guilt in the reader. This kind of religion or spirituality is precisely why I do not consider myself a mainstream Christian or attend church service. Same with mainstream Islam. I absolutely do not believe in eternal hell or damnation and I cannot see how anyone else could tolerate believing in such a thing.
Yet as I was reading, I found myself almost wanting to continue pursuing God through this kind of framework, a deep feeling of guilt that says: "A harsh hand will correct me better than a loving, gentle one". This must be some deeply engrained psychological bullshit in human culture and society, as I am certain enough people think this way to prescribe to that kind of approach to faith. Perhaps I will look to other Sufi writers even if Rumi is not for me, and I might find some gems. The Quran does seem to be full of that language of punishment for non-believers, yet I think the Sufi faith can still contain true wisdom. This is similar to Christian mysticism, which can also contain true wisdom regardless of what the mainstream faith says.

It is really frustrating when all your convictions for being sober can change in a single moment of desire, and suddenly it seems like not a bad idea to have something you know is no good for you. I ended up having a little bit of cannabis yesterday. It was not a terrible experience; sometimes it isn't, but often it is very harmful. The big issue when it's not necessarily a bad time is that it lies to me and starts saying, "why not more?". Then it turns into something even more harmful. One of the things it does to me, and this is common with any intoxicant, is that it disrupts me and my spiritual practice significantly. My spirituality is so important to me, and it is miserable that it can be vandalized by desire for a substance.
I really do not need to have cannabis, or alcohol, or even caffeine. Thinking that I do need to have it is completely a lie. I was doing just fine in the more than a month of complete sobriety. Even though my convictions were so easily overrode, I am not going to give up being sober. I have faith that eventually I will be free from the desire completely, or it will be weak enough compared to my convictions that I can confidently say no every time. After all these substances are not anything that I genuinely need, and there is nothing that I cannot accomplish with my spirituality. There is nothing that can keep me in bondage forever, or even for the rest of my life. I think what I need to do is work on meditation and surrender to the Divine on this matter.
Even now I have a part of my mind that is pushing for me to just start taking it again. It seems to not understand that it is not good for me. It seems to not see any harm in it at all, or maybe it does not care about the harm. This is in conflict with the part of my mind that knows through frequent experience that it is harmful. It is like a battle for what part of my mind comes out on top. Something seems to tell me though that I just need to bring love and compassion to whole thing, bringing the conflict to peaceful union, and that will bring me peace.

My mom owns an amazing yoga studio and I get free classes, but I only actually go once in a blue moon. Lame right? Anyway I have been having lots of issues with my neck lately, so I didn't put up too much of a fuss when I got an offer to take a class today. It really got all that stuck nonsense flowing through, and helped me loosen up. At first it was almost too intense when I started stretching my spine; I felt like I was literally dying. It's a kind of feeling where I feel like I am going to be completely annihilated or snuffed out, and it can be just on the edge of too intense. I decided to use that opportunity to connect to the Divine to work though it, and I ended up having a small breakthrough. I was shown that I still have deep and lingering doubt about the Divine, and that my doubting is keeping me having a foot in suffering. I keep getting glimpses in meditation as well that moving beyond doubt would give me great peace and happiness in life, regardless of what is happening to me.
My neck and my body feel much better, so why do I not take advantage of free classes? It seems ridiculous and it's something I really need to ask myself, and hopefully I can find the motivation to go more often.
One cool thing is that there is a teacher training with a philosophy course going on at the studio next month, and I get to attend the philosophy course for free. That is something I will definitely do, as I am super in to Hindu philosophy. However, I have been seeing lately that I need to move away from book learning in my spiritual path and focus much more on direct communion with the Divine. The Guru. I will take it as it comes I guess!

The fair was... okay? I went with my grandparents on free senior day so there was crowds of elderly people. The biggest disappointment was the food! I always have in my head an idea that fair food is unhealthy, but tasty-greasy street food. In reality it is just kind of low quality and completely mediocre. AND unhealthy. There was some good huckleberry ice cream though. The poor animals were very cute. I felt like Harry Potter looking at the snake in the zoo the whole time. I couldn't really enjoy myself looking at beings being treated like that. I just have too much compassion. Watching people lean in close to the animals making annoying noises at them while they were in a tiny pen was cringe worthy. I know that I am a bit hypocritical as I still eat meat, but at least I can acknowledge the harm being done and not make a spectacle about it. They even had a beef cuts poster hanging above the cute fuzzy cows showing all the different cuts of beef that one could get from them.

As one could expect from the Spokane fair, it was a very politically homogenous crowd. Expect trump posters and Christian nationalism. I have no problem with Christianity itself, but slapping trump on a bible with big guns is not where it's at. My grandparents are unfortunately in this crowd. I still maintain a relationship with them but I have to ask myself, how much is too much? I think as long as they keep their politics away from me I can maintain a sense of peace with them, but even then it still makes me feel queasy knowing the kind of things they believe in. Not to mention that sometimes they just can't help themselves and say things that make me uncomfortable. I think I really have to ask myself if maintaining a relationship with them is worth it. I think the only reason I maintain a relationship with them at all is that I have a lot of wonderful childhood memories of being with them, so it is hard. I think at least I need to just only see them once in a while because it's a bit too much. At the end of the day when dealing with people in these situations, hatred is not the solution. Hatred does not yield to further hatred after all. When we are free from hatred we can see through to a more wise solution.
The one thing about the fair that I do like is seeing all of the local arts and crafts. There are some really good paintings and photography on display which is fun to see, and I think it's fun to find all of the otaku representation haha.
Looking back at what I wrote, Maybe the fair is not something that I really need to go to anymore. There is not much for me there.... If going to local events is what I want to do, then I should keep an eye out for something that more suits my interests. I know the local Buddhist temples sometimes have things going on, and even if I don't always agree with some Buddhist dogma, I think I will still enjoy events there. There is also a local Hindu temple that sometimes does events... Homework for me to do!

I probably should credit a lot of my mental health improvement to the fact I have been getting out a lot more, walking around and sometimes riding my bike. Reading outside has been very healing, I even went into a forest area two days ago and found a soft spot to lay down and read. That was fun! I have also been making some good improvements in meditation, and it always reminds me that all the nonsense is indeed, nonsense, and that love is never far away.
I am pretty sure I am going to the county (or is it the city?) fair tomorrow, and I will report back on that here if it happens. I have been to the fair here a lot, but it is always fun to get out and see the cute animals. I am however aware of the terrible absurdity of owning a living being as livestock. What a strange world we live in. My only hope is that they are treated well.
I might try to eat some of the food at the fair, although I remember a time when I tried a deep fried oreo and felt like I was going to have a heart attack for a while afterward haha. Mayybe I will get an elephant ear or something. Totally worth it.
I need to remember to get my passport very soon because I potentially might have a trip to New York coming up? That would be a very big deal for me as the most trave I usually do is just going to Los Angeles to visit family. It would be a shame if I missed out on the opportunity because I was too timid about getting a passport! (I could get one of those real ID's to fly but for the cost I might as well get a passport).

Ever since I came down with my mental illness I have not really been able to actually read books, which has been sad for me as I loved to read all the time growing up. I have still been able to do audiobooks though, and that has been great, but often I miss just having an actual book.
So, I went to the library the other day and grabbed a couple, after deciding that I should give reading another try. I picked out "Klara and the Sun" and "Tiger Moon". I have been reading Klara first and have been loving it! I found a nice little hill under a tree in the park in downtown Spokane to read on, and I am finding that reading outside is something that I have been missing out on these last years. I will definitely do a review of Klara on here when I am done with it.

Reading after all this time is much less difficult than I thought it would be. I have done a bit of reading out of physical books in the preceding years but it was mostly just spiritual scripture/philosophy. I am hoping that I keep up the habit of reading outside even as we head into winter here, as it has been very helpful to my mental health already in the short time that I have been doing it.
I do actually feel a touch of guilt for romanticizing physical books, as the paper is made by cutting down valuable trees, but that could be easily solved by using a more eco-friendly alternative. That is if society can stop trying to rub money together for two seconds and actually do something that saves the planet of course.

I have been completely sober from all substances, including caffeine, for about a month now. Caffeine was the last one to go, and I only quit it at all because I realized it was just another chronic stimulus on my brain/body that I do not need at the moment. Since cutting out caffeine my overall anxiety has gotten less. Since being completely sober, I seem to be able to make better spiritual progress in mediation, bhakti, and fearlessness. I have not been really addicted to anything since I quit smoking cigarettes but I was occasionally messing with alcohol and cannabis, and neither of those things does me well, especially cannabis. Cannabis is something that I really should not be doing, as often it can make me afraid and have terrifying hallucinations. Sometimes it does make me feel good though, and for some reason I find myself having strong cravings for it once in a while.
I think once I fully understand that for whatever pleasure it brings me, the bad side of it is too great for me to ever mess with it, then I should be able to stay away. It can often just be too intense of an experience and leave me traumatized and existentially afraid.

I think the only thing I would really say is a "problem" with being completely sober is a kind of mental boredom, or wanting to have a higher amount of mental stimulation. This boredom is an excellent drive to progress spiritually though! I do sometimes find myself wanting something to take for a quick fix for depressed feelings, but I also see depression as a call to make spiritual progress as well. Certainly one can numb the feelings or find a lazy fix, but you can also truly heal from your wounds and move to a better place without having to rely on all that stuff.
Thankfully I always deeply understood that substances never really made me happy, even if I wanted them to. In fact they often made me feel worse and worse. Anyway here's to being sober and making genuine progress! And here is to fully understanding that whatever good feelings such things may bring, the harm they also bring is great as well, and true love is to be found without them.

I am probably one of the few people in my generation or younger that has extensively hitchhiked. I hitchhiked from Spokane Washington all the way down to near Los Angeles. I had run away from home because I did not want to be committed to a metal hospital; my family had surprised me with an intervention style meeting, and I excused myself out of the window of my room instead of going with them. I actually started my journey by hopping on a train from the valley into the downtown area, because my family found me and tried to stop a bus driver from letting me on. From there I walked up the highway a bit until there was a good spot for me to stick up my thumb like I had always heard about.
I am very lucky overall that I only had as much trouble as I did from the people I hitched with, and I would not recommend that anyone EVER hitchhike unless they have no other option. Things could have been much worse.

The first guy that gave me a ride was a trucker, he only took me a small distance and it was so uneventful that I don't remember much about him. My next ride was with a guy in a truck, and he took me all the way to Tacoma. I can't remember if he had a dog or not, but he was a cool older gentleman, and wasted no time telling me all about how he grew magic mushrooms under his sink in jars!
During my whole trip I did also spend some time on local buses, and I managed to catch the bus from Tacoma to Seattle, and then Seattle to the Forks Area, then to the first city in Oregon, where I would later start hitching down the 101. I think my first hitch in Oregon was a cool older guy in a red convertible that had some fun conversations with me. Around the Tillamook area I decided to head inland to Portland, annnd this is where I met my first "creeper". He picked me up and after a little while on the freeway he started trying to grab my leg, I kept pushing his hand away, and he eventually gave up, but I think he started touching himself and it was really gross. This continued on until we got into Portland, and I was relieved when he actually let me out to continue on my very disgusted way. It took me a couple days to get that out of my head.

I should also probably mention that I am physically male and looked like I could put up a big fight, which probably protected me a lot, but I was certainly not immune!
After hanging out in Portland for a bit and getting thrown out of a few strip clubs because I didn't have any money and also probably stank, I had a pit stop in Salem where I met a cool redheaded guy who had a tattoo of a scorpion. He taught me how to panhandle at a local Mc'Donalds with a cardboard sign and we split the cash. He also showed me to the homeless shelter there and got me a sleeping bag. Thanks dude.
I would not recommend hitchhiking out of Salem; it was very difficult. I eventually got a ride over to the coast where a strange, yet kind younger woman picked me up by herself and brought me back to her place. She fed me and gave me a backpack and pointed me to the nearest bus stop. I am grateful but thinking back on it I am worried that she was just picking up random men on the side of the road when she was all alone. I hope she is doing okay.
I don't have much to say on my journey down from there into San Francisco, but there were a bunch of people that kept offering me ganja to smoke, and I enjoyed that. I also remember finding a dumpster full of fresh doughnuts behind a doughnut shop. That was certainly one of the highlights of my trip!

Once I got to San Francisco I actually ended up crashing there for a very long time. I have no idea how long, but it was some months if I am not mistaken. When I first got into the city I made my way to Haight Street. I had never heard of Haight street so I don't know what drove me there. Stopping in Buena Vista park, there was a group of homeless youths hanging out by the stairs. I think I stopped and sat by them, and their leader, a redhead whose name had something to do with scorpion or scorpio, gave me some acid. There were many such occasions where he would come by me randomly and drop acid in my mouth.
It was not until later that I realized that there was a weird coincidence that I met two redheaded men who had something to do with scorpions, but thinking back on it now it was kind of weird.
To be continued in part two...

I thought it would be a smart idea to take my evening medication before heading to the movie I was going to, but it took the opportunity to make me feel completely like crap so I had to leave the theater early. I also think I have seen My Neighbor Totoro one too many times, which is impressive considering I have seen it over 9000 times in my life already. I think I have already seen it like twice in the past year? Think I also saw it in the theaters when they were playing it the year before haha. I feel bad for bailing early on the group I went with considering I barely get out as it is, but I know better for next time.
Anyway things to do this following week: hiking, meditation, self love, and bhakti. I probably won't necessarily do a daily diary entry, usually when I do something fun or when I have important thoughts.

Last winter it was constantly rainy and gray which was no fun. I like it when it actually snows so everything is pretty and white and clean, at least until it turns into a slush puddle haha. Another thing to blame on climate change I guess. It has been getting rainy and gray the last few days, which is not bad right now after a very hot and dry summer, but the dim wetness does start to wear me out after a while mentally.
Here's to hoping for actual snow this winter! If we get a good dump of several feet, that would be really fun. I have not had a winter like that in many years. Some people might not appreciate super deep snow but I do. Better than constant rain anyway.
Going to try to see My Neighbor Totoro with someone in the theaters today. I will try to go by myself if she is unable to go with me. I have seen that movie so many times that I am worried about getting sick of it, but it always makes me happy after seeing it. Might do a review of it on here too afterwards.

Lately I have been mainly dealing with depression and feeling hurt by not ever having had a relationship in my 31 years of life. One of most important things I do have though is my faith in love and the Divine. To me, there can be no better way to live than to live with love, and to not be in doubt about love. The more I do this, the happier I am regardless of what is happening in my life. Lately I have been seeing the importance of moving beyond doubt and not letting myself fall into some kind of nihilism. To me, nihilism and atheism are still faiths. I would be convinced of the way things are without really knowing the truth, and such a miserable faith to have! To me however there can be no greater faith than love, and such a faith has been said to be a way to true wisdom.

Living in a state of constant doubt has been a cause of great suffering and anxiety for me lately. I hope soon that the dawn comes on this long night, and I won't be crushed under this heavy weight any more. I have doubt about what happens after death, and other numerous existential worries. It's all nonsense though and sometimes I break through the cloud of fear and I get a big smile on my face and feel love in my heart. Maybe I should have a formal spiritual practice so I can continue to improve, or maybe all I can do is surrender and see what comes my way.

Temperatures have dropped this week so I should go hiking! As long as it's not pouring down rain... we need rain though. Also they are playing the Ghibli movies at a local theater. I have seen them 100000 times but maybe I should go see one again. Also I need to remind myself to read more good books instead of wasting my time watching dumb videos on youtube.